Jose Mourinho

Mourinho 2

Sticking with my Chelsea theme, is anyone else really, really enjoying watching Jose Mourinho getting repeatedly walloped in the testicles by his own hubris in weekly instalments on Sky Sports? Cos I am.


Diego Costa

Diego Costa colour

Why do referees have such a beef with sweet, sensitive Diego Costa?

Is it cos he’s a filthy, cheating bastard? Probably. But on a purely instinctive, subliminal level (indeed if Simon Schama’s new documentary, The Face of Britain, has taught us anything), they’re also just reacting to his face. Specifically the fact he appears to have purloined it from a Robert Rodriguez villain.

Though only 26, Costa already resembles the 55 year old love child of Luis Guzmán (Cinematic Puerto Rican warthog lookalike who’s made a living far handsomer than he is by playing chubby 70s Latino gangsters) and Danny Trejo (tattooed, stab-happy Mexican gangster who hones his thespian craft portraying tattooed, stab-happy Mexican gangsters).

His hair looks like something which washed up in the aftermath of the BP Deepwater disaster. His eyebrows resemble censor bars, possibly mandated by Ofcom to draw a veil of decency over the scar-strewn site of myriad headbutt-related atrocities. His complexion recalls the arse-churned soil of a long-jump pit and his stygian stubble looks like it could sand Gabriel Paulista’s teeth down to a size which might actually enable them to fit into his mouth.

When refs they see him smile that blameless, driven-snow smile of his they probably think, having somehow wandered onto the set of Once Upon a Time in Mexico, that they’re about to take delivery of a toothpick in the eye and a pool cue up the arse.

I mean obviously the fact they’ve just watched him stamp on someone’s throat probably also informs their reaction to some extent. All I’m saying is if he looked like Santi Cazorla, he’d probably get away with it a bit more.

Arsene Wenger

Arsene background

Geoff Shreeves: Arsene, inevitably all the post-match talk will revolve around the remarkable series of incidents midway through the second half which, in the interests of clarity, I’ll just briefly recount for our viewers now.

It technically all started in the 47th minute when Per Mertesacker launched himself into a two-footed tackle on Eden Hazard. However, things really got heated in the 63rd minute – when he completed the challenge. Except by this time, Chelsea had scored three goals, Eden Hazard had been taken off and it was the Blues’ female physio – just on to manually alleviate a groin strain for Ashley Cole – who caught the full weight of the German blitzkrieg. Samuel Eto’o immediately sprinted to her defence but didn’t actually manage to reach the scene until the game had ended, the stadium cleared and the floodlights turned off.

Then all hell broke loose. David Luiz charged straight for Tomas Rosicky but tripped over a rake thrown into his path by a Chelsea groundsman with a particularly petty (and hilarious) sense of humour. Gary Cahill aimed an elbow at Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain but ended up clocking Kieran Gibbs. Having sized up his opposition, Mikel Arteta took a gallant swing at the back of Oscar’s head but before his blow landed, the entire Arsenal midfield suffered death by summary execution at the bootheels of Nemanja Matic.

Giroud mainly just protected his beautiful face.

The only player not involved was – improbably enough – John Terry. But this was largely because at the first sign of trouble, the Chelsea captain had sprinted straight past the unfolding melée and into the crowd in order have sex with Wayne Bridge’s wife.

At this point Arsene, you actually introduced yourself into the fray – shirtless, blood-spattered and firing some sort of automatic weapon wildly into the Chelsea Pensioners’ box. We hear it took four officials to pry the gun from your hands and four more to massage your twisted features – apparently frozen halfway between orgasm and terror – back to a state of telegenic repose.

The game was called off and football was cancelled. None of which, incidentally, seemed to faze Per Mertesacker who was last seen making his way up for the corner Chelsea conceded in the 56th minute.

Quite the talking point, I’m sure you’ll agree Arsene. What was your take on it?

Arsene Wenger: I did not see it.