Jeremy Clarkson

Jeremy Clarkson bits

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe,
Catch a gin-soaked, homophobic, misogynist bigot in the throes of a cradle-to-grave midlife crisis by the repeated manifestations of his bloated ego.
If he hollers, let him go (to Sky where he’ll triple his salary),
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

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Katie Hopkins

Katie Hopkins wallpaper

“A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.”

Roald Dahl, The Twits.

If, on the other hand, you happen to be a pile of stringy, self-serving sinew on stilts then you might look like this.

T shirts

Redbubble 1

Having been literally* inundated with requests for J.O.D T shirts which I either cannot be arsed or have point-blank refused to make (mother, I am NOT making you a t shirt with Adam Buxton’s willy on it), I’ve decided to outsource the legwork (and almost all the dollar) to a charming little website called Redbubble. They’ll buy all the raw materials, do all the printing, handle the postage and packing, and only take almost all the profits by way of recompense! Kapow.

Redbubble 2

What’s more – dauntless, profligate fools that they are – they’re prepared to take on my seemingly unassailable customer care promise of ‘delivery within 30 years or go fuck yourself.’ Bold business model if you ask me. Please ask me. Someone ask me SOMETHING.

Anyway, as with everything I do, I’ve put some serious market research into this. By which I mean I’ve immediately embarked upon the path of very least resistance and fist-flailingly refused to acknowledge any ‘facts’ threaten to block it. I’m suddenly reminded of a GCSE history essay in which I dealt with an untimely mental block by stubbornly declaring that, contrary to popular belief, the UK’s representative at the 1945 Potsdam Conference was not Clement Attlee but former Holland manager Dick Advocaat (born two years later). Who knew.

Redbubble 3

Still, I reckon I’m now fully across what ‘the market’ wants this season. But the market is an idiot.

‘The market,’ for instance, may seek to impress upon you that the time to sell a T shirt with Sir Alex Ferguson’s face on it would have been either in May 2013 (when he retired from football) or in October 2013 (when he published his autobiography) and not in December 2013 when he’s probably not going to do anything.

‘The market’ may also try to persuade you that, no matter what time of which year it might be, nobody ever wants a T shirt with Gordon Brown’s face on it. Ever.

Redbubble 4

Well UP YOURS, MARKET!

I MADE THEM ANYWAY!

*I use the word’ literally’ here in the same way that Jamie Redknapp uses it when he confidently declaims in his youth, Michael Owen was literally a greyhound.”

Hugh Laurie

Hugh Laurie 2 backgroundLook what a sexy dishcloth Hugh Laurie has become. That bristling, tufted thatch, aloof to the emasculating strictures of shaping mousse*. That care-lined garage door of a forehead unfurling a jutting brow from beneath the furrowed awnings of which two bulging, blue eyes, at once prone and puckish, squint out at an inscrutably glib and Instagrammy world as if to say: “stop it you appalling cretin, you don’t need to take a photograph of that, that’s just food.” The sweeping, sinuous slopes of that languid upper lip – slopes now clad in bulletproof iron-grey gorse. Also there’s a chin and some other stuff and sometimes a stick.

*Though devastatingly, the House directors did apparently apply a substance Laurie calls “head pepper” to conceal a creeping bald spot.