Me

 

Iddo beard with background kraft paper

Iddo is an 8 year old bed-wetter trapped in the body of a shaven-headed, blue-eyed stallion of a man. He has just stubbed out the fag-end of his 20s and is now puffing cheerlessly on the mahogany pipe of his 30s.

With mixed results, Iddo has rediscovered drawing after a sabbatical of about 15 years during which he tried (and failed) to ‘grow up’. Between you, me and the doorpost, I’m not sure he tried very hard.

He was a lawyer for a bit but quickly discovered that he had really only entered the profession as an excuse to wear nice suits and ties. He suspects certain friends and family members clocked this particular modus operandi before he did and is secretly bitter that nobody told him. On the plus side, he is now the proud owner of a tie collection worth approximately £600 which, weddings aside, he has absolutely no occasion to ever wear. So….every cloud….

Then he went into PR, having correctly identified it as a profession in which he could, with relative impunity, do absolutely nothing. Despite this laissez-faire attitude to work, Iddo excelled, garnering, in his third year, the coveted distinction of being the company’s longest-serving employee never to come within spitting distance of a promotion.

As a history undergraduate, Iddo would never let ‘the facts’ get in the way of a good chance to clumsily shoehorn big, pretentious words into his essays; a pernicious proclivity from which he has never fully been delivered. In spite of this (and the vicious rebukes of almost every teacher he ever had), he still thinks he can write quite well. Despite now doing this for a living, he lives each day in fear of discovering that in actual fact, he can’t.

For the time being, though, the three or four words a month Iddo does write are the only things which grant any credence to his mawkish, self-pitying misanthropy. He also enjoys swearing a little too much. In case you were wondering: yes, he is a pretty big hit with the ladies.

Iddo often lies awake at night worrying that he reached the pinnacle of his life’s achievement in 1999 when his letter about Jaap Stam was published by Super Reds magazine*. It was a cracking letter though.

It has just occurred to Iddo that he is speaking in the third person which is a bit weird. He doesn’t usually do that.

* Said missive won the coveted “star letter of the month” award. It garnered a reply from Phil Neville and a pair of Reebok football boots. The boots never arrived.

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4 thoughts on “Me

  1. I never knew you won ‘star letter of the month’ award. Oh you clever boy! If i’d known I would have made damn sure you got the boots!

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