He may be a card-carrying Fascist but I, for one, want to see Paolo Di Canio managing in the premiership as soon as possible – if only to hear him ranting every week on Match of the Day.
Anyone remember last year when, as Swindon manager, he unceremoniously hauled off his keeper after 20 minutes and then proceeded to roast his nuts over an open fire of Italian ire in a series of increasingly choleric post-match interviews? Well it was bloody hilarious.
You can listen to one of them here and I urge you to do so. But for those of you who, like me, enjoy standing in front of the mirror and slavishly mimicking every single lilt and intonation in an oratorical performance, I have transcribed the entire diatribe below in phonetic “Roman-English”. I did this not to incite racial lampoonery or insult my sister’s Neapolitan boyfriend (of whom I am very fond) but because listening to Di Canio’s dulcet tones is probably the closest I’ll ever come to going to an opera.
Now compare that to Brian “paint drying” McDermot. Exactly.
Wes Foderingham’s hears the tolling of the bells
Interviewer: You made a bold decision in the first half, Paolo, to remove your goalkeeper, Wes Foderingham. What were the reasons behind that change?
Di Canio: Eh because ‘ee wasa one of de worst player I ever seen in a football match, heh! ‘Ee isnt a player like de others, because why we don’ ‘ave to change de goalkeeper? Because de goalkeeper is an element dat plays on with another team because ‘ee ‘ave different colour in ‘is shirt? I know my player, I know Wessa: ‘ee was de CRAPPY player even against Stoke. You cancel everything because we won 4-3 but ‘ee was far away from de other de worst player, ‘ee made a robbish performance even with Stoke. I cover because we won 4-3 and de other team mates made a fantastic performance. But it didn’t cancel de situation.
Todaaaay, what ‘ee, ‘ee, ‘ee did, it’s not only de mistaaaake which can ‘appen to everyone. De ARROGANCE later when ‘ee start moanin’ to de others, DAT was de worst fing for me because it let me realise dat a player dat don’ recognise ‘is mistake dat was clear miles away dat was a robbish mistake by ‘im – kick de ball laaaaaate wid ‘is right foot in an opponent’s body, de ball still under ‘is control because 10 yards he should go run and jump, ‘esitaaate, and de black guy ‘ee was surprised, say “oh, ‘ee doesn’ go out – I strike” and ‘ee start moanin’ to ‘is team mates. And den we ‘ave de ball, I say to ‘im “now calm because we keep goin’, we ‘ave to start”. Wid ‘is ‘and ‘ee give de ball straight away to them away and den start again moanin’ to de others.
Today ‘ee behaved absolutely as a de worst professional, arrogant, ignorant in some way element – not as a person, as a athlet – I ‘ave ever seen. And, if doesn’, if doesn’ ‘ee, if ‘ee doesn’ come out and say sorry to de FANS, to de professionalis in general, ‘ee’s OUT from my TEAM! And I don’t want aaaany argumentation from de fans: “We play Oxford! Eh, we ‘ave a season!” Don’, Don’, I don’ MIIIIIIND! Because dis is my rules! And Bedwell did bery, bery well.
Maybe ‘ee behave li’ dis because de window is cloooooooooooose, another question mark. There is emergency loan. I am ready to bring in a goalkeeper.
Interviewer: Now? Now?
Di Canio: I am ready to ask my chairman to ‘ave in a goalkeeper if don’ go out and say sorry to everybady because dis ‘ave to come from de stomach and from de HEART. Because if he fink dat ‘ee didn’ make a mistake and de way ‘ee behave like ‘oo ‘ee is? No, you ‘ave to tell me ‘oo ‘ee is? CECH?! ‘Ee was NAFFIN’ until de day ‘ee join ME! Not de club but ME! ‘Ee didn’ ‘ave one SECOND as a professional. Nobody wanted ‘im because ‘ee is 1.81. In English football everybady want 1.99 like ehhh, eh in eh Preston goalkeeper. 1.96, 1.95, 1.99! ‘Eee should ‘ave ‘is career CUT! You know dat is true. But just because we believe dat is not important because ‘ee is very good – tanks to ‘im dat ‘ee did well last year – ‘ee forgot everything. ‘Ee’s arrogant, ‘ee’s still 20, ‘ee fink ‘ee’s unTOUCHable.
We start together very bad today. Don’ tell me if we go through the first 10-15 minutes as usual under pressure because we know away we don’ ‘ave de fire like [incomprehensible] I go 20 minutes, ‘alf an hour and we go out like we did because dey, dey couldn’ run like dis for 45 minutes. De second ‘alf even without do nuffin special we should score 4 goals. Without doin’ any special. Soooo, everybady ‘ave to share de fault, obviously. We lost as a team and de first responsible dis defeat but I ‘ave to fink dat ‘ee made de worst mistake because ‘is brain was somewhere. And not in here since 1 week, not only today. If ‘ee doesn’ go out, ‘ee’s out. I don’ wanna listen de fans, de fans have to stay calm, relax, even if dey ‘ave de opinion, de have to shut ‘dey mouth and BOO it if dey no happy and clap dey ‘ands if dey happy. ENOUGH OF DE DECISION! Because I ‘ave my reason why ‘ee ‘ave to go out, ‘ee’s not Maradona in de goalie! Ok?
Interviewer: I understand you’re angry, err, I just ask you to watch your language because we are live. Can I ask, have you spoken to Wes since he came off?
Di Canio: No, no, ‘ee left. It was better for ‘im to left de dressin’ room. Because ‘ee doesn’, ‘ee, ‘ee, ‘ee didn’ deserve to stay in our dressin’ room today. ‘Ee left ‘is own, eh? Nobady kick ‘im out.
Interviewer: Will you wait until he comes to speak to you or will you try to talk to him tonight?
Di Canio: I don’ ‘ave to speaka to anybady. De PLAYERS ‘ave to come to de manager when dey behave like dis robbish because I behave as a, a-as a pro-a BIG professional. Made a mistake because I told you psychology I shouldn’ really before and not ‘ave passions like I ‘ad before so is a step forward for me to improve – already I recognise my mistake. Soooooo… ‘ee ‘ave to do de same. And I didn’ behave – I didn’ left de ground. I didn’ kick de bottle. I didn’ left my teamymates, my players. ‘Ee left de ground. So he ‘ave to say sorry to everyBADY. Otherwise ‘ee’s OUT.