Adrian Chiles

Adrian Chiles colour

We’ve just come to the end of another FA Cup weekend which means having to endure a shit load of Adrian Chiles. This since ITV decided a few years back that national treasure Des Lynam could no longer chew the leather and “poached” provincial oaf  Chiles from a  baffled BBC to head up their footy offering. What a coup that was.

Chiles has a face which looks like it should be poking out of the stocks in some god-forsaken medieval village square, daubed with cow dung and waiting to be pelted with rotten vegetables. He has the punditry style of a failed stand-up comedian and an unfailing aptitude for making even the most glamorous games seem like pub team mud baths. I mean it’s uncanny. You could be watching the Troubled Genius Allstars co-captained by Maradona and George Best play the 1970 world cup winning Brazil team in a one-off grudge match for the title of football’s most badass motherfuckers and through a series of asinine observations about what type of pie they are serving at halftime, Chiles will make you think it’s a Blue Square North relegation dogfight between Droylsden and Halifax Town. Quite a talent.

Now that I think about it, ITV must have a hell of a task headhunting fellow pundits with similar pedigrees of blandness and banality to young Adrian. At least I assume that’s the tactic. How else can one explain the continued employment of Gareth Southgate and Lee Dixon? But that’s probably a rant for another day.

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6 thoughts on “Adrian Chiles

  1. Someone, whose name escapes me, once commented of Chiles that he made him feel nostalgic for the days when a regional accent was considered a professional disadvantage

  2. ‘Word’, as I believe the young whippersnappers say. But you missed out the triumphant regime of Steve Rider, the man who epitomises bland.

    My favourite description of Chiles has to be that provided by Stewart Lee: “a Toby Jug, filled to the brim with hot piss”.

  3. Not to mention the drawn out sentences to end a sequence on cue for an ad break,with freakishly extended pauses and a lengthening of the flat, mind numbing Chiles drawl.

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