We’ve just come to the end of another FA Cup weekend which means having to endure a shit load of Adrian Chiles. This since ITV decided a few years back that national treasure Des Lynam could no longer chew the leather and “poached” provincial oaf Chiles from a baffled BBC to head up their footy offering. What a coup that was.
Chiles has a face which looks like it should be poking out of the stocks in some god-forsaken medieval village square, daubed with cow dung and waiting to be pelted with rotten vegetables. He has the punditry style of a failed stand-up comedian and an unfailing aptitude for making even the most glamorous games seem like pub team mud baths. I mean it’s uncanny. You could be watching the Troubled Genius Allstars co-captained by Maradona and George Best play the 1970 world cup winning Brazil team in a one-off grudge match for the title of football’s most badass motherfuckers and through a series of asinine observations about what type of pie they are serving at halftime, Chiles will make you think it’s a Blue Square North relegation dogfight between Droylsden and Halifax Town. Quite a talent.
Now that I think about it, ITV must have a hell of a task headhunting fellow pundits with similar pedigrees of blandness and banality to young Adrian. At least I assume that’s the tactic. How else can one explain the continued employment of Gareth Southgate and Lee Dixon? But that’s probably a rant for another day.